She Sparkles
Dancing in a white dress, completely covered in sparkles, holding her shape perfectly. Her smile twinkles from the reflection of the sequins. Her eyes dance in rhythm with her hands and feet, in a Salsa-like pattern.
My hands immediately mimic hers and my feet dance like never before.
The joy I felt in those moments dancing with my mother who had passed away only 3 days before was undeniable, immeasurable, and filled my heart completely. My eyes began to leak with the same joyful emotion.
My mother passed away at 91 years of age, 4 months before her 92nd birthday. In the few months before she died, I felt she would not make it to 92. She had become more unbalanced, needing us to hold her as she walked, carrying her cane on the other side. She was more distant, and she seemed very ready to go, to join my dad, and to be free to dance again.
There she was, in a beautiful vision, alongside me, dancing so beautifully, as if teaching me, her daughter, how to salsa. It was such a happy moment, a moment I wished could last forever.
But then it occurred to me. That moment CAN last forever! For her, it does last forever.
Through the Month of February, I studied from 1 Corinthians 15 where Paul describes what happens after death. I read those verses as I had never read them before. They jumped off the page and seemed to dance themselves while I read with great passion. Between the vision and a fresh understanding of the scriptures I was reading during the month of February, I began to feel at peace.
This passage of scripture is beautiful. It brought me peace and an amazing visual of my mother sparkling and dancing in her spirit form. Nowhere else could I find that kind of peace. No one else could teach me that kind of understanding. Only God and His promise of eternal life.
Since that day, however, I have had many ups and downs. I try to bring that special moment and feeling back to life and sometimes I feel comfort from thinking of it and other times, I cannot quite get there.
Grief often collides with my daily life.
What I mean by that is, just when I think I am feeling okay, like life is moving along and life on earth without my parents in it is, well, becoming more normal, then grief overwhelms me and collides with the new normal.
It’s a hard collision to work through. It freezes me sometimes, even to the point where I can hardly get through my daily routine, my workday, my work outs, or even my quiet times. At these times is when the anxiety sets in, as well as the guilt. It can be so hard to work through these moments in grief, but there is no other choice but to work through them, to walk through them, and to simply accept them as they come.
This is the advice I have heard the most; to let those moments happen and to continue to walk through the journey. I am trying. That is all I can do.
And I will never forget how “She Sparkles!”
To lose my mind and find my soul,